Category: Uncategorized

ritavonbees:

asgardreid:

cardozzza:

dannydanuselessstuff:

artaline:

human: *is heating up food*

alien: why are you doing that?

human: you see i want the particles in my food to vibrate at just the right frequency

Human: *is eating ice cream*

alien: wait you forgot to make that one vibrate!

human: well, you see, not with this food

This one is already vibrating at he desired frequency, but if it starts to vibrate at a higher frequency I lock it back in the cold box.

Human: *just reheated pizza in the oven*

Other human: *is eating a slice of the same pizza, but cold*

Alien: *exasperated sputtering*

Human: shots! shots! shots!

Alien: this liquid has negligible nutritional value and, furthermore, contains some molecules that I believe are poisonous to your species.

Human: …look, sometimes we just like to gather in social groups and disorient ourselves

sodomymcscurvylegs:

NPC in Video Game: *Gossips about another NPC*

Me:

ciaoloueh:

John Mulaney starts his routine with how much he loves saying “my wife” and making a joke about cows and marriage that ends with “why buy the cow? because you love her, you really do, she takes care of you.” and then continues on to talk about how his dog is his best friend in the world and he gives her a million kisses every day, and I’d just like to say to every person who claims you can only be funny if you’re an offensive shithead, You Are Wrong And A Fool

rcktpwr:

inkyquartz:

rcktpwr:

ive been erased from time

get well soon!

soon as a concept doesn’t exist for me anymore

rhibombinee:

nerdgirl-to-the-rescue:

doritovevo:

snapchatting:

i’m awful. but awful rhymes with waffle, so it’s not that bad

[every english speaking non american/Canadian sighs deeply]

omfg why the fuck would you pronounce awful like waffle? wtf is going on in america?

im trying to think how either of those words could possibly be pronounced in any other way