“Alright,” Dick said, opening the pack of markers, “Since the last round sent Tim to the hospital, we’re scaling back things.”
In the garden shed, the assembled Waynes watched as the eldest removed a rainbow of permanent markers. Tim scoffed, scratching at the cast on his left arm.
“What are the markers for?” he asked, skeptical.
“Assassin,” Dick said, completely serious. He held up the red marker, pointing it at Jason. “The least deadly, non-contact game Jason and I were allowed to play at summer camp.”
Without missing a beat, Jason raised his hand. “We got kicked out of that summer camp.”
“Right, but not because of Assassin.”
Damian raised his hand. “Those markers are non-toxic.”
“Yep.”
“So how are they supposed to be used as mortal weapons?”
Stephanie snorted. Next to her, Cass also looked confused. Dick uncapped the red marker, gesturing for Jason to join him at the front of the shed for a demonstration.
“Assassin is simple,” he said, handing Jason a blue marker. “We all put our names in a hat, shuffle them up. Everyone gets a ‘target’, or someone they’re supposed to go after. So let’s say Jason and I get each other.”
Jason uncapped the blue marker, holding it like a dagger. He and Dick circled each other dramatically, drawing a delighted laugh from Cass.
“In order to ‘kill’ my target–” Dick frowned, hesitating. “Actually, how about we use ‘neutralize.’ In order to neutralize my target, I have to mark his neck with my color.”
He jabbed at Jason’s neck. The marker left a red streak across his throat.
Someone oohed. Stephanie elbowed Cass, muttering something about the efficacy of Colombian neckties.
A compilation of 10 Of the batclans best snapchats
1.[the video is shakey as it zooms in on the top of Wayne Tower. Riddler comes into focus first, then Robin. Riddler is holding Robin by the ankle off the roof]
Batman: PUT HIM DOWN ED OR I SWEAR TO GOD—
Red Robin and Red Hood: DO A FLIP
2.[a video of Nightwing taken by Batgirl. They’re in a red light district, and you can faintly hear the cha-cha slide coming from the building they’re next to. Nightwing is dancing along perfectly]
3.[a picture of Robin, holding a baby robin. The caption reads “he’s trying to figure out how to sneak it into the bat cave”]
3.5.[a second picture posted shortly after. It is blurry, but you can vaguely make out the shapes of Robin and Batman. The caption reads “he found out”]
4.[a video of Red Hood and Blackbat signing frantically in ASL. The camera flips to Red Robin]
Red Robin: they’re arguing about which pizza rolls are the best
Batman, from off Camera: where the hell do they even get pizza rolls? Agent A sure as hell doesn’t let them in the house—
5.Nightwing: I dare you to jump off the roof without your grapple
[Red Hood starts sprinting to the edge of the roof. They are on one of the tallest buildings in Gotham. The camera shakes as Nightwing runs after Red Hood]
Nightwing: No wait I diDNT FUCKING MEAN IT HOOD—
5.5[a super bad candid of Batman and Red Hood and Nightwing. The camera is tilted as if someone is trying to hide it. The caption reads “this has been going on for 20 min”]
Batman: —ell would you think that’s a good idea—
Red Hood: —if you should be yelling at anyone it should be nightwing—
Nightwing: —don’t drag me into this!
[snickers are heard off camera]
Batman: Im dragging both of you into this! Why on earth would you dare your brother to jump off the roof when you know damn well he’ll do it?!
Red Hood: yeah—
Batman: oh don’t you even start Hood—
6.[a picture of Red Robin and Superboy mid fall. It is unclear where they fell from. The caption reads “they were watching buzzfeed unsolved and got scared by a pigeon”]
7.[the camera opens and quickly zooms in on Batman. He looks annoyed. There is a low chanting of “money in the jar” coming from off camera]
Batman: ‘crap’ is not a fucking swear word—
8.[a picture of Robin curled up against Black Bat. She looks surprisingly fond. The caption reads “he fell asleep durning the stake out”]
9:[a shakey Video of Red Hood. He’s fighting off at least six people while singing in a rather nice sounding baritone range. The caption reads “once a theater kid always a theater kid”]
Red Hood: IVE GOT NO STRINGS—
[red hood fires a gun]
Red Hood: —TO HOLD ME DOWN
10:[a video of Red Robin and Signal. They’re sitting on a roof, sharing several tacos.]
Signal: why do you call yourself Red Robin? Robins are technically Red already, aren’t they? They’ve got that little red patch on their chest
Your children had a sense of humor to say the least. It showed during holidays in Bruce’s gifts and cards. They could be heart felt every blue moon but usually they were more funny than anything. Bruce wouldn’t admit it to anyone but you, but he loved the fact that his children would get him something. When Father’s day came around he always look forward to it, not that he would ever show it.
Okay, so, I could swear I’ve answered this somewhere but for the life of me I can’t find it? (Maybe I just rant about it a lot in private?) So here we go.
I tend to really dislike the trends of where the boys tend to get assigned, and I think it has a lot to do with fanon versions of characters I find frankly inaccurate. I’m sure you’ve seen it. Hufflepuff!Dick, Gryffindor!Jason, Ravenclaw!Tim, and Slytherin!Damian. Sound familiar? (Not everyone, I’ve seen a few others, but this was all I saw for a long time.) Because the hugs! The angers! The smarts! The arrogant little bastard!
I kind of hate it.
Give me a Slytherin Dick Grayson that’s charming and friendly and always has the right words for everyone. Who is wickedly good at spells and quidditch, always buried headfirst in whatever work he has, becomes Prefect in an easy victory, and is the golden boy of the Hogwarts staff. Who is smart and perceptive, and takes care of anyone around him lucky enough to earn his respect. Who is brutal when it comes to cutting down to size the people that don’t, or who dare to hurt the ones he cares about. Willing and fully capable of verbally tearing someone apart, reading people as well as he does.
Give me a Ravenclaw Jason Todd (if we go with post-death Jason characterization, which I prefer) that’s grumpy and mainly unapproachable. Who’s naturally gifted in spells and at the top of most classes, even if he’s got a hell of an attitude and likes to start debates in classes. Who is secretly still awestruck by this world of magic and spells and knowledge and eats up as much of it as he can, learning and perfecting and studying things just because he enjoys it. Who can usually be found in some isolated corner with a book or three, but best not mock him because he’s got a reputation for taking swings at bullies and isn’t remotely afraid of detention.
Give me a Slytherin Tim Drake that’s the actual Slytherin, picture-perfect model. Old family, old money, talented and whip-smart, and fucking ruthless when it comes to protecting what or who he cares about. Maybe he’s small and maybe he’s not physically threatening, but he knows all the little, subtle curses and bits of magic to ruin your day without getting caught. And he works at it, because it doesn’t come so naturally to him. Who stays up late and pushes and pushes to be better than all of his peers, to live up to what’s expected of him and – more importantly – what he expects from himself. (And yet somehow, his very closest friend is a Gryffindor.)
And lastly, give me a Hufflepuff Damian that never expected to be there. Whose whole family (yes I’m including Bruce) has been unquestionably Slytherin and always proud, and that’s what he expects to be. But he’s not. Who’s arrogant and antisocial, until he finds friends that don’t care what his name is, or treat him any differently for it. Who’s fiercely loyal to those friends, and secretly tender around all forms of life that aren’t human. Whose ambition and ruthlessness only comes from being told that’s what he had to want, and who softens and slowly accepts that he can take time and learn who he really is outside of an al Ghul or a Wayne, once he realizes that the people whose opinions he values will still care for him, no matter what house he’s in.
This was so fun to think about, seriously you’re awesome and I love you anon ♥️
Damian:
• *looks in the mirror five seconds after the spell hit. gasps* “I’m HIDEOUS!!!”
• Wayne Enterprises employee, smiling brightly: “Good morning Mr. Drake-Wayne. How are you today?”
Damian: “I don’t know but you’re fired.”
• He gets so fed up with having to push Tim’s bangs from his eyes that he resorts to borrowing Cass’ sparkly butterfly hair clips to keep them up and out of his face.
• “Why am I only an inch taller than I used to be? I still can’t reach Pennyworth’s cookie jar even on my tiptoes. You need to grow more, Drake.”
• He finds out why Tim wears long sleeves so often, but he doesn’t say anything to Tim about it. He does file it away for future conversation, though, and he monitors Tim more closely even after the whole incident is over.
• “Damian, why are you chugging an entire carton of milk?”
“Because Drake is too small for me to tolerate any longer. I’m a beanpole. A toothpick. A runt amidst a litter of bats.”
• *goes outside for an hour* “HOW THE HELL AM I SO SUNBURNED??? WHAT ARE YOU, A VAMPIRE???”
• He’s sad when his pets don’t recognize him and run when he tries to pet them. As a solution, he douses his entire body in catnip. Turns out Tim never told him he was allergic to catnip, so that was an interesting discovery.
• He has to drink at least four cups of coffee a day or else he gets sick because at this point Tim is addicted to coffee.
Same goes for normal food. Eating ramen noodles with goldfish and butterscotch pudding is fine, but he ate one (1) apple and his body tried to reject it.
• Ives: “Hey Timbo, what’s up?”
Damian: “Uh….Hello, associate of mine. Feeling very fleek today. Everything is cool beans. Crackalackin.”
Tim:
• “Why are my pecs so huge.” *cups them* “They feel like rock hard muscle melons. Like a cantaloupe filled with pure power. What strong breasticles.”
• He’s amazed by the amount of muscle on Jason’s body and spends most of his time trying to see what stuff he can crush with his bare hands.
*breaks a stick in half* “I AM ALMIGHTY.”
• He braids Jason’s white streak and puns it back with some pink hair clips Steph gave him.
*poses in the mirror* “I’m a buff zombie princess.”
• *on the phone with Roy* “Hey Roy, so remember that secret I told you once and demanded you never to tell anyone else? Yeah, that one. Would you mind explaining it to me in explicit detail, slowly so I can write it all down.”
• *gentle gasp* “I’m allowed to drink alcoholic beverages in this body.”
*later that night after his fifth shot of appletini* “DO YOU EVER JUST THINK ABOUT THE MUPPETS AND CRY??? KERMIT THE FROG MAN, KERMIT THE FROG.”
• He has to wear sunglasses and a hat whenever he goes out because he has to make sure no one in Gotham recognizes the late Jason Todd.
• The first time he sees what Jason’s body really looks like under all the armor and layers, he’s shocked. Jason doesn’t take his shirt off in front of people much because he’s embarrassed by all the scars. Tim tries not to look at them because he knows Jason doesn’t like sharing this detail with anyone, but occasionally he finds himself absently tracing the autopsy scar under his shirt. He has a new respect for Jason after this whole ordeal.
Jason:
• “I feel like an overcooked noodle.”
• Adjusting to how flexible Dick is turns out to be quite the experience. He does the splits with no problem. He swings from a tree branch and lands on the ground as fluid as a leaf. He does four backflips in a row.
Jason, cartwheeling through the room: “Watch as he flips with the greatest of ease, the rad noodle man on the flying trapeze.”
Dick, in his tiny Damian voice: “That’s not even how the song goes!”
• “Why does my mouth taste like ketchup and ice cream 24/7. What do you eat, Dick.”
• At first he thinks it’ll be nice for once, being able to walk around Gotham without worrying about people recognizing him as being a dead man. Turns out, it’s almost worse when he can’t go to a McDonald’s without a bunch of paparazzi and fan girls following him around and begging to take a picture with the hottest Wayne boy.
• He goes to the police precinct for work and is on edge the whole time because this is the first time in years he’s been surrounded by cops who don’t want to arrest him.
• Catcaller: “Hey, nice ass!”
Jason: “Thanks, I got it from my brother!”
• Dick from the next room: “If you smoke in my body and give me cancer I’ll kill you!”
Jason, with a lit cigarette in his mouth: “It’s a metaphor, you see. I died once and I’ll die again because I’m not a fucking coward.”
• After he’s back in his own body: “Hey, I wonder if I can still do all that flipsy shit.”
Later: “So, Master Jason, tell me again how you shattered your collarbone?”
Dick:
• He eats one (1) cheeseburger, but unfortunately forgot about Damian being vegetarian so he winds up getting violently sick because the body he’s in doesn’t accept meat anymore. So that was a learning experience.
• “Why does it physically hurt to smile. Who hurt you, Damian.”
“A bunch of assassins and a psychopath for a grandfather.”
• Damian may be athletic, but he’s nowhere near as stretchy as Dick is used to. He tries putting his leg behind his head and nearly breaks his pelvis.
One upside is he’s far smaller and lighter in Damian’s body, which makes swinging around on the trapeze a breeze. He’s like an Acrobat Barbie doll.
• He has to call Tim for help when he can’t reach his cereal on the top shelf.
Tim, walking into the kitchen half asleep and confused: “Are you one of Santa’s elves?”
Dick, sobbing on the floor: “I CAN’T REACH MY FRUITY PEBBLES”
• He starts crying again later that afternoon because “THIS WEAK ASS BODY CAN’T EAT SRIRACHA WHAT AM I GOING TO DO NOW???”
• He stands in the middle of the room and watches all the adults bustle around: “I am a bean. A tiny chihuahua. A mere flea in a world of elephants and woosles.”
• “If there is one upside to all of this body-swapping, at least I can finally use the Dora the Explorer baby toothpaste without being ridiculed.”
• Jon: “Hi, Dami! What’s up?”
Dick: *to himself* “Hmmm what would Damian say…Oh, I know!”
To Jon: “Salutations, comrade. Photosynthesis. Lackadaisical. The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.”
Beautifuldifferences 